You call this normal?
by Leveragelover
Summary: March 22 is not a normal day. Parker's missing, there's a monkey in the Nates apartment, Hardison is making potions, Eliot is being clumsy, and Nate and Sophie are in the corner making out.


**A/N: Well this idea was born while I was sitting on the sidelines during gym class because earlier my friend had been talking about thieving monkeys. I swear my mind has so many problems and this could go under the category of slight crack. Also Nate may seem slightly out of character at one part but I couldn't help it . I don't own Leverage!**

_You call this normal?_

Nate and Sophie had a hard time falling asleep the night before because Hardison had been in the kitchen banging stuff around. Well actually he had been concocting some sort of potion. Nate didn't really care to know as long as he didn't blow anything up. He trudged downstairs to see Hardison stirring a large vat of purple liquid. Nate walked in the kitchen to make coffee but Hardison stopped him.

"Back up!" He yelled

Nate backed up. "What are you doing exactly?"

"Making amethyst liquid. Have you seen Parker?"

"Uh, no"

Suddenly there was a monkey sound from the living room. Nate whipped around to see the monkey chewing on one of Sophie's magazines.

"Koka, stop chewing on People!" Hardison scolded

"Why is there a monkey in my house?" Nate roared

"She crawled through the window" Hardison replied casually

"You didn't call animal control or anything?" Nate demanded harshly

Hardison shrugged and added a splash of lemon juice to his potion. "She likes me"

Sophie trudged down the stairs wearing a pair of short shorts and one of Nates hoodies. "What the hell is going on?" She grumbled

"Hardison is making amethyst potion and there's a monkey in my living room"

Sophie stared at Hardison and Nate for a second with a 'I have no energy to even care' look before looking at the monkey. "HEY! Stop eating my magazine!" She ripped the magazine from the monkey and she howled at her. Quickly she ran away and right into Nates arms.

"Dammit Sophie now I have to make her some food!"

"Why don't you just let the bloody thing starve?" Sophie cried

"Be nice to Koka!"

Sophie stuck her tongue out at him and dragged Nate into the corner with her.

Hardison put his potion on simmer and went to go make Koka a chocolate banana mush pie. Koka started swinging around the pole of the spiral staircase as Hardison cooked. Nate was sitting next to Sophie while she cursing up a storm.

Eliot walked in just minutes later. His face went from a scowl to a wide grin when he saw Koka. "Who got the capuchin monkey?"

"She crawled in the window"

Eliot picked the monkey up in his arms. "Hey little girl"

Koka rolled over in his arms and then jumped onto the counter. She dug her hand into Hardisons bag of pretzels and took one out. Koka munched on the pretzel and then grabbed the bag. She jumped off the counter and dragged it with her as she walked over to Sophie.

Koka offered the bag of pretzels to her and pushed the bag towards her.

Sophie stared at the monkey in fright and hesitantly took one of the pretzels. Koka grinned and cried happily, clapping her hands. Sophie shrunk back into the corner a little bit, scared of the monkey.

The guys laughed at her and she flipped them off.

"Hey where's Parker man? She needs to see this"

"I don't know" Hardison shrugged

"What are you making?" Eliot asked as he peered in the pot of amethyst liquid

"BACK AWAY!" Hardison yelled

Eliot quickly backed up. "Well sorry"

"And it's amethyst liquid so don't go touchin' it"

"Okay man I won't touch your geek potion"

"'Ey don't insult my potion!"

Eliot laughed a little bit and turned around, running straight into a chair and almost tripping. Hardison started laughing, "don't man," Eliot warned.

Koka walked over to Nate after observing the Hitter as Hacker arguing. She tapped her lips and then pointed to Sophie. Nate looked at Koka with a confused expression. The monkey rolled her eyes and made a kissing gesture.

Nate finally understood. "Oh, you want me to kiss Sophie?"

Koka nodded vigorously.

"Nu-uh I'm not doing anything that crazy buffoon says"

"Oh so just because the monkey said it means I'm not allowed to kiss you?"

"Yes! That's exactly why"

Nate rolled his eyes and kissed Sophie. She gripped his shoulders with the intent of pushing him away but his tongue found its way into her mouth. A moan escaped from Nate as Sophie tugged at his bottom lip with her teeth.

"Dammit Nate the rest of the team is here" Sophie hissed

"They can deal with it"

"Deal with us making out in the corner?"

"Yeah" Nate muttered and pulled her into another kiss

Koka skipped off happily and tugged at Eliots jeans.

"Hey Koka" He pet her head. "Can you say Eliot?"

"You serious man? You're gonna try and teach the monkey how to talk? That's impossible"

"Kenya 1999 and Uruguay 2003" Eliot replied matter-a-factly

"Blehehe" Hardison mocked

"Blehehe to you too" Eliot retorted harshly

Hardison ignored him. "Koka come get your food" He called and put a plate of brown mush on the counter. Koka jumped up on the counter and started eating her food. She finished almost all of it rather quickly and then turned to look at Nate and Sophie. She gestured for them to come over and cried loudly.

They didn't even flinch.

It got very quite and very awkward in the room.

"Hey teenagers Koka wants to talk to you" Eliot finally yelled

"Ugh fine" Sophie said after she broke the kiss. She grabbed Nates hand and pulled him up. Once they were over by the monkey she gestured them to come in close as if she were telling them a secret. Suddenly she slapped them both.

"Hardison!" Sophie screamed

Nate resisted the urge to hit the monkey while she laughed at him.

"Hardison get this stupid ass monkey out of here" Sophie screeched

"But she luuvvvss you" Hardison joked

"Nu-uh this is not happening" Sophie roughly grabbed Koka and started stomping over to the door. Hardison and Eliot went after her and while Nate went into the kitchen to get a drink. He picked up his glass of scotch but instead knocked it over onto Hardisons cutting board of ingredients.

"Uh-oh" Nate stared at the now wet herb. He quickly threw it into the pot and ran off. Sophie threw Koka out the door, slammed the door shut, and stormed off back into her corner. Nate watched at Hardison and Eliot ran out the door and then quickly went to join Sophie.

"I'm pretty sure I screwed up Hardisons potion so we should continue making out" Nate whispered quickly

"Wha-how did you-" Sophie was cut off when Nate quickly kissed her, his mouth frantic.

"Koka!" Hardison and Eliot called. "Koka come here!"

She was nowhere to be seen.

"Dammit Hardison you should've just taken her in" Eliot growled and shoved his hands into his pockets as he searched for his phone

"Well I'm sorry if I wanted to keep the monkey-" Hardison ranted on

"Where's my phone?"

Hardison continued to talk over him. "-because I have feelings too and maybe I wanted someone to-"

"Where's my phone?" Eliot asked a little louder

"-and I'm trying to be assertive with Parker but you know it's-"

"Where is my phone?" Eliot yelled

"Don't try to change the subject Eliot!"

"Can I borrow your phone?"

"Yeah whatever" Hardison started digging in his pockets for his phone. "Where's my phone?"

"Did you leave it inside?"

"No, I always have my phone with me"

"I'll stay out here and you can go check"

Hardison nodded and ran into the house. Eliot was just about to go look for Koka when he heard Hardison scream. Not a second later Hardison burst out of he apartment, slamming the door shut, and ran down the hall screaming.

"SHUT UP HARDISON!" Eliot roared as he ran after Hardison. Hardison finally came to halt at the end of the hallway and stopped screaming. "What are you screaming about?"

"Old people!"

"God, don't those two have common sense. I swear they know nothing and-" Eliot ranted off as he walked. Suddenly he ran straight into the elevator doors. He growled and jammed the button do hard it almost broke. "-we could've walked right back in there and they would just be having sex"

"They were not having sex" Hardison breathed as he stepped into the elevator with Eliot

"Then what were they doing?"

Hardison gave him a look. "You do not want to know"

"Can't those people respect our privacy?" Nate complained as he buttoned his jeans

Sophie sighed, "well it appears not." She then turned to him with as serious look. "And you imagine how I feel"

"Imagine how you feel? They saw all...uh-oh" Nate trailed off when he saw that Hardisons purple potion was now green and steaming black.

"What did you do?" Sophie started hitting his arm in frustration

"I don't know but I'm pretty sure Hardison is going to kill me" Nate then pushed Sophie away. "I'm not a punching bag either"

Sophie hit him in the arm again just for good measure

"What are we supposed to do?" Sophie demanded

"Does he have a recipe anywhere?" Nate started frantically looking around for a recipe

"Ah, here we go!" Sophie picked up an old white book and handed it to Nate. She started reading out loud, "if this potion is ruined there is nothing you can do about it. What?"

Nate shrugged. "Well what do we do with it?"

"Um, I don't know...I'm calling Hardison" She took of her phone and started dialing Hardisons number.

"No! He'll kill me if he finds out I messed it up!" Nate grabbed her phone from her hand.

"Oh shush, you'd look sexy with scars anyway" Sophie ripped her phone back from him and dialed the number. She saw Nate looking a little bit surprised as he watched her. It finally picked up and she heard a monkey (She assumed it was Koka) scream into the phone. Her eyes went wide she then heard static on the other end.

"What happened?"

"Well it appears that Koka has Hardisons phone and I think she just crushed it" Sophie answered smoothly

Nate then dropped an entire box of cereal (packaging and all) into the pot, never breaking eye contact with Sophie. "Well it looks like we're screwed"

"Oh god Nate" Sophie muttered under her breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. "So you put more stuff into the already ruined potion?" She yelled at him

Nate shrugged. "Not like it matters"

"But you-it didn't need-stop being-UGHH NATE!" Sophie yelled and waved her arms around.

Suddenly the potion made a loud puff noise and a ring of smoke came from it.

Then the potion turned black.

Eliot and Hardison exited the elevator on the third floor and still had not found Koka. "I think she's gone"

"She can't be gone!"

"Maybe she's down in the bar hiding?"

"No. What if she's out in one of the trees?"

"Or maybe she's still on the second floor and we just didn't notice"

"Ugh, why did Sophie have to throw her out?"

"I don't think she likes Koka but I think that's because she doesn't tolerate monkeys"

"Well she should tolerate me enough not to mess with my friend" Hardison jabbed his finger at his chest.

"Your friend is a monkey"

"Hey! Don't hate on Koka" Hardison defended

Eliot rolled his eyes. "She's a cool monkey but she's not a real human Hardison"

Hardison glared at him, crossing his arms.

"What...what about the roof?" Eliot suggested after a long while of silence

"Oh yeah!" Hardison clapped his hands together and grinned. He pushed the door to the roof open and bolted up the stairs. Eliot went up after him and tripped on the stairs, hitting his head on the step.

"Dammit Hardison" He growled, getting up and going up the rest of the stairs. Once Hardison pushed open the door he saw Koka sitting in the middle of the roof. She was slamming their phones on the ground, pieces flying everywhere.

"Koka! Come here girl" Hardison got down on his knees and stretched his arms out for a hug. Koka stopped smashing their phones and ran over to Hardison. "Good girl Koka" He held her close and kissed the top of her head. Koka kissed cheek and he laughed a little bit. Hardison stood up and Koka crawled onto his back, hooking her arms around his neck.

Eliot was smiling a little bit. "She really does like you"

Hardison beamed as he made his way to the door. "I think she likes making Sophie angry though"

Koka whooped in a approval.

The two boys laughed at the monkey and made their way back down to Nates apartment.

Nate and Sophie given up on messing with the potion after throwing several more objects into it. That would include chocolate, vodka (to Nates disapproval), carrots, beets, and some purple food dye. Oh and a vase full of flowers for good measure. Luckily they had managed to get it back to a purple color. They had just finished cleaning up their mess when Hardison and Eliot walked in with Koka.

"We found Koka! She was on the roof smashing our phones on the ground" Hardison laughed

"Wonderful" Sophie said with a strained smile

Then Koka flipped her off.

"Hey! Your monkey just flipped me off!" Sophie yelled

Hardison looked back at Koka and she just grinned innocently. "I think you're just being over dramatic Sophie"

Sophie scoffed and walked away. Hardison then went over to his potion and hoisted the pot off the burner. Koka jumped off his back and into to the counter and then the floor. He turned around and suddenly ran into Eliot.

The potion spilled everywhere.

Hardisons jaw dropped and he was about to yell at Eliot when he felt something by his feet. He looked down to see Parker lying on the ground. She was wiping the purple liquid off-

"Parker?" Hardison and Eliot yelled

Nate and Sophie looked over at them with wide eyes. "Parker?"

"I can explain!"

"Oh you better be able to explain this because you slapped me and you ate my magazine and you-" Sophie started

"Calm down" Nate grabbed her arm to keep her from going crazy

"Wait a second how did my amethyst potion turn you back into a human?" Hardison wondered out loud

"Ummm"

"What did you do!"

"Well I was going to get a drink and I spilled on your cutting board. I threw the stuff on the cutting board into the pot and ran away. Then later it turned green and was steaming black. So I then threw a box of cereal in along with chocolate...vodka...um let's see what else...oh yeah, beets...carrots...and I think a little bit of purple food dye"

"Don't forget the flowers," Sophie added

"I will kill you!" Hardison yelled and grabbed a huge wooden spoon off the counter and started chasing Nate. The three watched as Hardison ran around the apartment, swinging the spoon around while Nate tried to dodge him. Finally Nate was cornered and Hardison started beating the crap out of him with a spoon. Nate pushed the younger man away once he got a chance. Then Hardison pushed him into the corner of the desk, cutting Nates side. He ripped the spoon out of his hand and threw it across the room.

"Don't ever hit me again" Nate growled

Hardison glared at him and went to go sit at the table with the rest of the team. "So tell us how you became a monkey"

"Well last night I stole a little bit of your potion so I could try it. I went up to the roof and well...I turned into a monkey. Then I crawled in the window this morning so I would be safe. And then I decided to use my new thing as a monkey to my advantage. So I could embarrass Nate and Sophie, get free food and...get to ride on your back" Parker added the last part shyly

Sophie and Nate glared at her.

"But you took Eliot and I's phone"

"I'm a thief!"

"I could've avoided a VERY awkward situation if you hadn't" Hardison have Nate and Sophie a knowing look

"Whatever. I'm back now!"

Nate and Sophie were still glaring at Parker as they got up and went upstairs. Eliot just sat there silently until he decided to get up and leave.

"So...Koka is a pretty name"

"It's my sisters last name; Peggy Koka"

Parker nodded slowly. "So what exactly was the awkward situation?"

Hardison gave her a look. "You do not want to know"

"Well uh...I kinda want some pretzels just like I'm sure Nate and Sophie want some dinner" Parker hinted

Hardison couldn't help but smile. "Yeah. Okay. Let's, uh, let's go since you're probably right about them wanting dinner"

"And don't forget that I want pretzels!"

"How could I forget that you want pretzels" Hardison grinned and put his arm around her.


End file.
